L;ve to Insp;re
Breaking the Stigma of Suicide & Depression;
this is not where the story ends.
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Nancy C shares her story. Be Insp;red.
Coming back from hell
It began when I was young. My mother left with my siblings, leaving me alone with a horribly abuse father and step-mother. I was beaten with a belt buckle till my skin was gone and that was the beginning.
I ran away quite young and felt my mother didn't love me because of the desertion. As a result I learned to hate myself and life
I got addicted to cocaine and speed. I was a professional dancer and as every dancer knows if you're not skinny, you are nothing.
From cocaine it became freebasing and then crack.
I fell into a relationship with a man because he saw something in me, I didn't know what. Three months into the relationship I became pregnant. After the birth of my daughter I started suffering post postpartum depression which turned into bi-polar!, according to the doctor.
I was so unhappy and depressed I wanted to die. The child next to me lacked a mother. Thank god my boyfriend was there to raise her.
I went in and out of the psych ward. Getting more and more medications put on me. My boyfriend dispensed these medications until I sat on the couch drooling for years, I had no fight left in me. I lost everything. I even had to take handicapped buses when I left the house. I sat drooling in my living room, depressed, anxious, and very unhappy. Suicide became an option. An option that began to draw me in.
I went on and off the crack. At one time I was homeless, I lived in a crack house. That was the low point in my life.
I was so depressed, the meds weren't working. The doctor decided ECT was the answer. For five years I was subjected to bi-weekly ECT treatments. They left me a vegetable, I had no memory, and I continue to have lost many memories of my life.
One day I went to see my psychiatrist. I was sick, I hadn't sleep in many, many days. I was actually delusional. She said I was faking it. That was the most wonderful thing she ever said to me.
I told her FUCK OFF, I'M NOT FAKING IT. Then she called in security and had me physically taken off the hospital premises.
That was the turning point in my life.
I met a wonderful man who loved and cared for me. He didn't care what I had gone through or what I was diagnosed with. Because of his love and the love of my daughter I felt power growing within me. A power that allowed me to change my life.
First I changed for them. But as my power became my own, I started to change for myself.
I got a wonderful new doctor who wanted to get me off all the crap this so called psychiatrist who was a head of a clinic in a hospital, had put me on.
The withdrawals were fierce at times. But I was on a mission to change my life. The addiction to crack still calls but it no longer consumes me. Depression is still a monster hiding in the shadows. I suffer from seasonal affective disorder every winter but it is now controllable.
At one time I was going to be put in an institution but I have taken back my power. I am off of AISH (monthly payments for the severely handicapped). I enjoy full time employment and I also have my own business.
No one tells me I can't do anything. Yes, doctors are not Gods. I have learned that the hard way. Now I trust my body, mind, and spirit to lead the way. I am healing myself and in turn I help to heal others.
Always, always remember, it is your life, you have to live it. Don't let anyone try to solve your problems by pushing a pill down your throat. This is not to say that medication is not needed. I am still on medication. But, don't let a doctor freely give you pills you don't need.
Take back your power, take back your life. No one lives it but you. Please always remember that.