L;ve to Insp;re

Breaking the Stigma of Suicide & Depression;

this is not where the story ends.

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From my blog

Nancy C shares her story. Be Insp;red.


Coming back from hell

It began when I was young.  My mother left with my siblings, leaving me alone with a horribly abuse father and step-mother.  I was beaten with a belt buckle till my skin was gone and that was the beginning.

I ran away quite young and felt my mother didn't love me because of the desertion.  As a result I learned to hate myself and life
 
I got addicted to cocaine and speed.  I was a professional dancer and as every dancer knows if you're not skinny, you are nothing.

From cocaine it became freebasing and then crack.

I fell into a relationship with a man because he saw something in me, I didn't know what.  Three months into the relationship I became pregnant.  After the birth of my daughter I started suffering post postpartum depression which turned into bi-polar!, according to the doctor.

I was so unhappy and depressed I wanted to die.  The child next to me lacked a mother.  Thank god my boyfriend was there to raise her.

I went in and out of the psych ward.  Getting more and more medications put on me.  My boyfriend dispensed these medications until I sat on the couch drooling for years, I had no fight left in me.  I lost everything.  I even had to take handicapped buses when I left the house.  I sat drooling in my living room, depressed, anxious, and very unhappy.  Suicide became an option.  An option that began to draw me in.

I went on and off the crack.   At one time I was homeless, I lived in a crack house.  That was the low point in my life.

I was so depressed, the meds weren't working.  The doctor decided ECT was the answer.  For five years I was subjected to bi-weekly ECT treatments.  They left me a vegetable, I had no memory, and I continue to have lost many memories of my life.

One day I went to see my psychiatrist.  I was sick, I hadn't sleep in many, many days.  I was actually delusional.  She said I was faking it.  That was the most wonderful thing she ever said to me.

I told her FUCK OFF, I'M NOT FAKING IT.  Then she called in security and had me physically taken off the hospital premises.

That was the turning point in my life.

I met a wonderful man who loved and cared for me.  He didn't care what I had gone through or what I was diagnosed with.  Because of his love and the love of my daughter I felt power growing within me.  A power that allowed me to change my life.

First I changed for them.  But as my power became my own, I started to change for myself.

I got a wonderful new doctor who wanted to get me off all the crap this so called psychiatrist who was a head of a clinic in a hospital, had put me on.

The withdrawals were fierce at times.  But I was on a mission to change my life.  The addiction to crack still calls but it no longer consumes me.  Depression is still a monster hiding in the shadows.  I suffer from seasonal affective disorder every winter but it is now controllable.

At one time I was going to be put in an institution but I have taken back my power.  I am off of AISH (monthly payments for the severely handicapped).  I enjoy full time employment and I also have my own business.

No one tells me I can't do anything.  Yes, doctors are not Gods.  I have learned that the hard way.  Now I trust my body, mind, and spirit to lead the way.  I am healing myself and in turn I help to heal others.

Always, always remember, it is your life, you have to live it.  Don't let anyone try to solve your problems by pushing a pill down your throat.  This is not to say that medication is not needed.  I am still on medication.  But, don't let a doctor freely give you pills you don't need. 

Take back your power, take back your life.  No one lives it but you.  Please always remember that.