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Nancy C shares her story. Be Insp;red.

Coming back from hell

It began when I was young.  My mother left with my siblings, leaving me alone with a horribly abuse father and step-mother.  I was beaten with a belt buckle till my skin was gone and that was the beginning.

I ran away quite young and felt my mother didn't love me because of the desertion.  As a result I learned to hate myself and life
I got addicted to cocaine and speed.  I was a professional dancer and as every dancer knows if you're not skinny, you are nothing.

From cocaine it became freebasing and then crack.

I fell into a relationship with a man because he saw something in me, I didn't know what.  Three months into the relationship I became pregnant.  After the birth of my daughter I started suffering post postpartum depression which turned into bi-polar!, according to the doctor.

I was so unhappy and depressed I wanted to die.  The child next to me lacked a mother.  Thank god my boyfriend was there to raise her.

I went in and out of the psych ward.  Getting more and more medications put on me.  My boyfriend dispensed these medications until I sat on the couch drooling for years, I had no fight left in me.  I lost everything.  I even had to take handicapped buses when I left the house.  I sat drooling in my living room, depressed, anxious, and very unhappy.  Suicide became an option.  An option that began to draw me in.

I went on and off the crack.   At one time I was homeless, I lived in a crack house.  That was the low point in my life.

I was so depressed, the meds weren't working.  The doctor decided ECT was the answer.  For five years I was subjected to bi-weekly ECT treatments.  They left me a vegetable, I had no memory, and I continue to have lost many memories of my life.

One day I went to see my psychiatrist.  I was sick, I hadn't sleep in many, many days.  I was actually delusional.  She said I was faking it.  That was the most wonderful thing she ever said to me.

I told her FUCK OFF, I'M NOT FAKING IT.  Then she called in security and had me physically taken off the hospital premises.

That was the turning point in my life.

I met a wonderful man who loved and cared for me.  He didn't care what I had gone through or what I was diagnosed with.  Because of his love and the love of my daughter I felt power growing within me.  A power that allowed me to change my life.

First I changed for them.  But as my power became my own, I started to change for myself.

I got a wonderful new doctor who wanted to get me off all the crap this so called psychiatrist who was a head of a clinic in a hospital, had put me on.

The withdrawals were fierce at times.  But I was on a mission to change my life.  The addiction to crack still calls but it no longer consumes me.  Depression is still a monster hiding in the shadows.  I suffer from seasonal affective disorder every winter but it is now controllable.

At one time I was going to be put in an institution but I have taken back my power.  I am off of AISH (monthly payments for the severely handicapped).  I enjoy full time employment and I also have my own business.

No one tells me I can't do anything.  Yes, doctors are not Gods.  I have learned that the hard way.  Now I trust my body, mind, and spirit to lead the way.  I am healing myself and in turn I help to heal others.

Always, always remember, it is your life, you have to live it.  Don't let anyone try to solve your problems by pushing a pill down your throat.  This is not to say that medication is not needed.  I am still on medication.  But, don't let a doctor freely give you pills you don't need. 

Take back your power, take back your life.  No one lives it but you.  Please always remember that.


Breaking the Stigma of Suicide & Depression;

this is not where the story ends.

L;ve to Insp;re